Wishing Away the Years

Some days are harder than others. I want to turn the fan on high (white noise, of course), crawl back into bed, pull the covers up over my head and ignore the madness…the fear…the reality of dealing with this beast called childhood cancer before I crumble into pieces.

There were days in the beginning of this journey where I would find myself praying constantly for the days to rush by, for this to all be over, for Dani to be happy, healthy and cancer free. I just wanted it all to be over with. Who wouldn’t?

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The best big brother.

But then one particularly difficult day…all that changed.  My then 5 1/2 year old son sat down next to me and said something that changed my perspective in ways he’ll never understand. In his proudest, most confident voice he said, “Mom, we’re learning math in school.  I did the plusses and when Dani is all done with her medicine, I’ll be 8!”

It stopped me in my tracks.

8.

He was right.

When Dani is done with her 2 1/2 year treatment, he will be 8. And Cassidy will be 7. And Dani will be 4.

And that’s when it dawned on me.

I can’t wish these years away. They may be hard and scary and exhausting, but they’re ours…together.

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Big sis love.

I can’t wish away Sawyer’s 6 and 7…or Cassidy’s 5 and 6…or even Dani’s difficult, sick, up and down, back and forth, unpredictable, sometimes scary, sometimes hellish 2 and 3.

It’s not fair…not to any of them…and not to me.

Trying to make out his image through the tears that had now welled up in my proud-momma eyes, I hugged him and smiled. “Yep…you’re SO right, Bud. You’ll be 8…can you believe it!? You’re growing MUCH too fast…now knock it off!”

And just like that, my perspective changed.

This thing called “life”…is happening.  Now.  Like, RIGHT now.  It doesn’t pause for “when this is over” or “when I feel better” or “when the time is right”.  It’s happening…regardless of our circumstances, regardless of how we choose to handle them.  It goes on…through it all.

So I’ve chosen to control what I can and deal with the rest with the most positive, joyous, bring-it-on attitude I can muster.  Sometimes all I can muster IS pulling the covers up back up over my head for awhile.  But as long as those days don’t outweigh the days I get up, thank God for my blessings, and get excited about the possibilities that the day has to offer…I think I’m doin’ alright.

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1 Comment

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  1. Wow. Just wow. What perspective. Thank you for sharing this, for your heart towards doing the hard and the holy work God is calling you to, and for changing my outlook this morning. Prayers for your little ones, all of them, as you walk through this -Skye

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